23rd December and the visit to Lok Sabha

I decided not to write this visit but to streamline my thoughts after 1 week I felt to write. A friend of mine is niece to Shanta Kumar. We visited his place and luckily we got the pass for the last day of Winter session. Much to me delight we got the pass for question hour. Next morning my mind was in turmoil that will I be seeing Narendra Modi Ji as the same day he is leaving for Indo-Russia summit.

To my surprise Narendra Modi Ji did come.

Finally when I reached the tiring part was security check. When I saw the humongous pillars of the parliament gave me a tingling feeling. Continuous security check seemed to me as an endless journey in the desert. I was checked by not less than 11 men as far as I can recollect. May be it was the last day of the session and the visitor's gallery is overcrowded. Finally I reached my oasis i.e. Visitor's Gallery. With God favouring me I got a seat just infront of the speaker in the Visitor's gallery.

My smile was endless for 5 minutes. I was not able to decide what to look. I could see Sumitra Mahajan. Then I noticed Oh! this is our PM Narendra Modi. Then the name chanting didn't stop. Ok, Advani Ji, Sonia Gandhi, Sushma Swaraj, Nitin Gadkari, Rajnath Singh, Kharge, Scindhia, etc. Suddenly my smile stopped. I saw the speaker refused something to the opposition. Then few MP's of opposition entered the well and started shouting slogans. I think they wanted to raise the issue of Arun Jaitly's link in the DDCA issue. Slogans echoed, Vitta Mantri ko barkhast karo, Kya hua Zero Tolerance ka, Kya hua na khaunga na khaane doonga, Modiji ab jawab do, etc. My kids if you are reading this ask me the manner in which they were shouting. It was so managed and synchronous.

Kharge Ji and Sonia Gandhi were sitting and observing all the happening patiently. In between I saw Sonia Ji checking her smart phone and then keeping it inside her red purse. Speaker was stubborn she was reluctant to the shouting and asked the MP's to ask question according to the schedule. My heart became heavy and my smile vanished. I started wondering what is happening. How can our few MP's be so immature. Opposition is integral part of parliamentary procedure. But where is the rationale?

Finally it was time to bid goodbye with the unknown spark of coming back. While returning the words of Shanta Kumar Sir echoed in my mind. He said to me,"Kya karoge wahan ja kar, log chillate rehte hai. Sar me dard ho jaega". I had headache, as I was trying to make parallel attempt to listen to questions asked by MP's and answered by minister's and I was trying to ignore the disruption done by the opposition.

Lok Sabha as an experience was beyond words. 90% of the things which I experienced can't be summed up in words. It was inspirational, emotional, confusing, enlightening and so much more which is abstract. But yes, undoubtedly Narendra Modi Ji has got dressing sense and Arun Jaitley Ji was trying to ignore the demand of his resignation by reading some papers.

Where does it end?

I don't remember how I felt when I was born. Neither I remember when I smiled for the first time or when I cried the first time. There are so many things I don't remember and so many what I do remember. A point came when I stopped complaining for the things I don't remember. I always complained to my mother, that I don't remember once you hugged me or made me feed by your hand. Life taught me early few things you can't remember or that can't happen to you. This is life. No, this is not life. Life is about cherishing experiences. Expanding your soul or growing your soul

I met people, few turned friends, to few I became indifferent and some just stopped talking to me. Finally I realized there is so much to learn from all the 3 types. Friends will teach you what they have in them-self. People to whom I turned indifferent gave me reasons that no matter how much you love them they will desert you, there is no point in hating because anyone can have hatred. More importantly notice how they abandon you as this will tell you a lot about their personality. People who just stop talking are the best teachers. Their not talking will kill you but parallel when the time stops when you wait for them you can see so much in you and in them.  

People came and they left. I never complained, neither I ever chased them. Rationality as a philosophy for life is one of the best method. Nevertheless travelling, people and experience can teach you a lot more than books. I need a break to travel. Camping somewhere. I am going.

Where does the absurd thoughts I am vomiting will end? What will be the title of this bunch of thoughts I wrote? Perhaps, title can't tell you everything. If it could I would have read The Hindu in 3 minutes, there would have been no point in reading the content. Sometimes you just want to write.

Found meaning of life around this area in a very short time..

Rajendra Place, Karol Bagh and Patel Nagar

What will be my last words when I will die?

I am a strong believer in Gandhi Ji. I believe that man of his blood are rarely born. People in politics are often criticized. So is Gandhi Ji criticized by his detractors. But once you are in politics you have to take decisions. Decisions brings you to criticism. But we must see a person in a broad view not from a myopic one. Hence, I feel that Gandhi Ji gives us reasons to learn from him.

Equally, I am not a believer in Maha Purusha or Great Ideal Man. I believe let the man be a man, don't make him God. There are many people equally important like Gandhi Ji. This undermines there contributions. Once we make anyone God we can't think anything negative against him. Nor we can digest anyone criticizing that person. But most importantly, making someone God or God alike subverts nationalism. I am a nationalist.

Gandhi Ji when died his last words were "Hey Ram". Generally, mother tongue and perceptions are intrinsic, natural and spontaneous. When I go in most deepest of my thought and think why Gandhi Ji said only these words I realize that his perception or intrinsic nature was religious and pure. Because when you die words which come out of your mouth are spontaneous. My respect for Gandhi Ji increases more.

I am scared. What would be my last words? When I will die there can be 2 possibilities. One is, I die naturally talking to someone or silently when no one is near me. Two, I may die unnaturally by an accident, bullet, etc. Lets take if it is a bullet, then? Whenever I am hurt my perception which is intrinsic and spontaneous will be an abusing word. If it happened then? If someone kills me, I may say..."Oh!! B*C*".

I must make it a point not to say these two words. As I don't want to utter these words when I die. Seriously man, the founding fathers of this nation had some serious ethics with them. Wish I could grow some of their qualities in me. Everyone of us should.  

Great time in Patanjali Coaching

I never realized while I started reading Philosophy that while reading I will enjoy so much. Philosophy as a subject is blessing to me. Later in these boring days I met few people in Patanjali coaching. Specially Manoj Bhaiya who turned into a friend. I will cherish discussions, fights and debates with you Bhaiya throughout my life. Keeping it here since I can look back to all this in my life. 

   

                            

               

              

Vow of Silence

I read that Gandhi Ji vowed for silence every monday. I read few reasons and benefits of this. J.S.Mill said that: Man is sovereign over his mind, body & soul. After I completed my vow of silence for the day I realized how abstract we are in today's world. We don't command our thought, it's the surrounding and people controlling much in us. I abuse when I am with my friends. With acquaintances I act sophisticated. But today when I vowed for silence I realized there is so much I can change in me. I learned few things I want to share and also because when I read this post again in my life I can ponder over what to inculcate in me.
1. I learned to be more tolerant.
2. At some point it is good to smile on your friends and avoid the needless argument.
3. It is important to realize that life can be so simple without a phone or worrisome thoughts.
4. It really structures your thought and makes you a better person.
5. Now I know better that how judiciously I should use my words.
6. I have not spoken the whole day a single word; tomorrow when I will speak I really know in the daily schedule where to avoid unnecessary conversation.
7. Finally, this experience will make you a calm being.

Life is all about experiences. I have decided to abuse less. I cannot stop abusing as I have to retaliate to my friends. But yes, when I die. Till that day I can inculcate all these above qualities. Including quitting abusing forever.

I love drenching with sweat..and then for few days I couldn't do what I want!!

There are things which completes my day. Few things always top the list to what I do when my day begins. One of the thing is going for jogging..coming back and watching birds in the sky with a cup of tea. Couple of days back I hurt my leg. I avoided the wound and didn't go for tetanus injection. Then it became serious. I discussed the same with a doctor and he is advising me that if the wound doesn't heels up we need to go for a surgery. Hope the medicine works, its been more than 2 weeks.

Today when I was cleaning the wound I couldn't see it when by mistake the scab over my wound got removed, I was thinking that how much one loves his body but times you yourself can't see it's interior, Not because of fear but because of disgust.

A passage echoed in my head which is of Buddhist philosophy. Buddha once said, "Regarding the body one should remember and contemplate that the body is only a combination of four elements (earth, water, fire, air), that it is filled with all sorts of loathsome matter, flesh, bone, skin, entrails, dirt, bile, phlegm, blood, pus, etc. Going to a cemetery (present day one should must go to Tower of silence where the Zoroastrian or Parsi community leave the body to be eaten by the vultures, etc) one should observe further how the dead body rots, decays, is eaten by dogs and vultures and afterwards gradually becomes reduced to and mixed up with the elements. By this intense contemplation he is easily able to remember what a body is: how loathsome, how perishable, how transitory!"

This brings me to think why this intense feeling for good sensation for the body let it be sex or good food? Thanks to my dear friend Navneet who made me thinks always how much secondary sex is. When I will fall in love at some point in my life I would surely try primarily to discover what is their under her skin, Under her skin their would be her thoughts, childhood (as I didn't have one), secrets, passion, what makes her cry and so much more.

A friend of mine mailed me a Galib shayari, "Hazaron khwahishien aise ki har khwahish par dum nikale, Bahut nikle mere armaan lekin phir bhi kam nikle". Meaning: Though many of my desires were fulfilled, majority remained unfulfilled.         

That dark evening, I kept the thought for another day..

Years and years this thought echoed in my mind, that why this maddening running in this life. In the end I will be same as what happened to the most primitive man took birth on this planet. No one knows him, no one knows what he did or invented. He is in soil. So, I must stop running. Parallel to this thought their was another one which asked me to make my existence worth. It was like the poem of Robert Frost. He writes, "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both". Later he ends up saying, "I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference".

But which is the one less traveled? The question's remain. Robert Frost in his other poem writes:

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Here woods is the metaphor for death. Death would be lovely, dark and deep. But before narrator is going to embrace death he has some social and moral obligations which needs to be full filled. He has to keep his promises and miles to travel.

I am sure like Robert Frost, that death would be beautiful and the final experience of my life. I would love to face it, more happily if I will be a martyr. But before this I have certain promises to keep. So, there are two roads infront me. The first questions my purpose to live. The second gives me a purpose. I keep the first thought for some other day. I chose the less traveled road like most of us "sub-consciously" but today I consciously decide believing the reason to continue my travelling on the second road. If death strikes me before I prove my blood, I swear I'll kill death like Captain Manoj Kumar Pandey. As I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep. 

Why I had to cut my baby hairs?

I was a small little boy,
running for kites under the sky,
I had those plastics toys,
which completed my world,

I called for you everywhere,
you were there to give me those coins,
holding your hand I slept,
and seeing you I got up,

Then one day when I was small,
Why I had to cut my baby hairs?
Why I had to break all those plastic toys?
Weeping, Grounded and Lost my childhood died,

I grew, slowly to find myself,
Jealous I learnt few kites you don't get,
No matter once you flew them,
One day you also left,


Why when I shouted you were not there?

Come in my dreams and answer me,

Let me die, then make me that child again,

Let me play from those plastic toys

This time I will not cut my baby hairs,

This time I won't let you go,

Random Clicks

 

That's what my boss adviced me when I told her that I am leaving my job for UPSC

I see still myself in the cocoon when my darling friend "Pratap" tells me about his work in Google. How he worked in the Add reviews operations department of Google as an Account Strategist. Sometimes I think why he left his 6 digit salary job, foreign trips and unparalleled success at the age of 24 to prepare for UPSC. I decided to ask Pratap that what his boss said when he told her that he is resigning.

She told him 3 things. First, as he was doing excellent so a promotion. Second, you can get back whenever you want. Third was the most beautiful point which contains the essence and which I tell myself always.

"Pratap you must have taken in plan 2-3 years for this exams and it's long. Never think of yourself as you have resigned from the job contrary keep believing that you have a new job. In this job you have to work daily for 8 hours and that work is studying. Think that someone is paying you for this work. The only difference is that the money being paid to you is getting deposited in some account and will be refunded on your success. If you end up failing then believe that all the money which you earned these 2-3 years which was being deposited in some account, you spent that all in Las Vegas. Like I am going to Las Vegas this year and will spend all my savings. All the best.”

I have a friend I have never seen

I have a friend I have never seen,

May be somewhere in my dreams,

When I look in the dark sky full of stars,

I tell her everything.

Sometimes I call her and try to listen whether she calls back,

Mostly when my world fall apart,

No one is around me,

I dream of her hoping she dreams of me.

Every night I wish she is also dreaming a little dream of me,

When I close my eyes beneath the dark sky,

In the fading image of the dark sky,

I find her,

She tells me let all your sorrow pass away,

This will make you stronger,

Then I always think I have to be on my own now,

Prepare myself to meet her,

I am waiting to meet her,

Waiting to tell her in her ears,

I lived a life I am proud of,

I have a friend I have never seen.

Shrikant what is your hobby?

Wikipedia will tell you, "A hobby is a regular activity that is done for enjoyment, typically during one's leisure time". But is it so easy to explain? They ask me the same while they interview me. I tell them, "Sir, reading books, playing guitar, listening to music, watching documentaries". Wish I could tell them I am still searching for one. Something, "What you love and let it kill you, let it drain you of all". I know this as I know equally in the end I will not remember my "so called hobbies", yes I may remember jumping in Ganga river when I was in the mid..when the flow was high in the mountains, rafting, trekking and riding in Mussorrie. And I want to remember so much more like climbing Mount Everest, discovering every inch of my country, going into some jungle and not coming back unless I discover what a primitive life is, Skydiving, Scuba diving and the list goes on.

But what I can do now or what I do in these monotonous days?
I get into moods when I don't feel like reading, don't feel like sleeping don't want to write this blog or diary, at that point I try to forget my existence. I borrow sometime from myself  and in the morning just before when the sun is about to rise I see flock of birds starting there journey...I like the chirruping sound of birds, the coo of pigeons and I hate the caw-caw of crows. Miss the air gun hearing that sound. Daily I wait for that pandemonium of parrots to fly above my terrace. You know I miss those sparrows, they were so many when I was small, today they are no where...like my old friends. I try smell the rain or air, look on to the moon and the darkness around, wondering what the clouds looks like a man, a train or can I see that person whom I love the most. You know more importantly the moon never tells me how much I owe to him.

Sir, this is my hobby. But will you accept this, you want a real answer? OK
I like  reading books, playing guitar, listening to music, watching documentaries.
Sir replied, "Good, so your hobbies helps you to understand world better."
I, "Yes Sir, they do"

If you have ever watched porn..

I was thinking regarding porn. I will not go into the logic of whether one should watch or not. More importantly I want you to think on few points..

1. Do you remember the face of that girl (or boy) once you are done watching? (Unless you are not watching the same everytime.)

2. Isn't the porn is more about domination of female which makes you happy? If it is so you must change the reason to watch.

We talk about equal rights to women and their empowerment.

Who was civilized?

Some thoughts from the book, "Letters from a Father to his Daughter" by Jawaharlal Nehru:

1. How we can find that a person or society is barbarous or civilized? Many people in Europe think that they are civilized and the people of Asia are quite barbarous. One of the reason is that they put more clothes than Asians or Africans. But clothes depends on the climate. In a cold climate men put more clothes than in a hot climate.

2. Do you think killing people is a civilized or sensible thing? Off course not. When in my college to students fight, we say how silly they are, who will say that they are professionals. But how much sillier or more foolish it is for great countries to fight with each other. Millions got killed in the first and second world war. It was between the countries who call them self civilized.

3.I agree fine buildings, fine pictures, good books are certainly sign of a good civilization. But a even better and much brighter sign is of a fine man who is unselfish and works with others for good of all. Britishers came to India for there selfish means. They were mean, and lived in our country just to serve there needs. They made the country more poorer.

If "Honest" is to "Dishonest", "Love" is to "Indifference"..not hate !!

"Opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference"..

A friend said to me this and told me about his story. Well connecting the broken chain I recollected my past experiences. Had a thought about my friend Ambuj who committed suicide in college. Finally my soul compelled me to write what happens when you part with the person you love.

"I don't hate her Shrikant, I tried generating hatred..for a long period of time I convinced myself that I hate a girl like her. But a point came when "Indifference" came. I stopped hating her and a emotion captured me, "The trait of remaining calm and seeming not to care; a casual lack of concern". "

My friend continues, "Your heart has to break one day, it's good in my case it happened early. I am thankful she is not there, we would have been happy or not it is a different thing but there is a huge difference between me then and me now. I remember asking her that how can you change so much?, how can you be so cruel that you are leaving me to die? She gave me the answer by disconnecting the phone but now I have the answer. It is not anyone changes, slowly they reveal there true color and this makes us uncomfortable compelling us to think how can the person change. I remember meeting her first time. We agreed on everything and were ready to sacrifice everything but slowly we normalized, became frank and then we revealed the true color. My honest and platonic feeling and her opportunist feeling for me".

"There is a moment in life when you pray for her, then you pray for yourself then you stop praying. Finally you are enlightened, it is you are out of the break-up period..you know how tough it was for you and you wish this thing should never happen to her. That's let go. This is when you say goodbye which is the last stage of true love."

What I feel is, when you "part" you think that you can never fall in love with other person. You do not appreciate any other beauty on this earth. But in actual you are searching for "Exclusivity." You are searching for a person who would be exactly like that person. But this is not possible. Every person has some traits, qualities and habits which are limited to that person. Not possessed by anyone in the world. When that person leaves you a void is created. That void is not for the person it is for the feelings and emotions.You will control that void one day consciously or unconsciously but you cannot fill that. A new person will create his new space. But that void will be there and time will control it. Be brave life is short to think about things which are not with us, it is as useless as not appreciating things which we possess. 

Few people are emotionally vulnerable. They do foolish things as an act of self pity. If you have done it don't worry these memories will make you laugh one day. Keep it in that void. It is better that person left you, trust me you will meet a person who will be better than the previous one in terms of honesty, compatibility and understanding.What else you need?

Testing my everything..

These days no one calls me. Daily in the night I check all the contacts on my Nokia phone..thinking which Friend to call. Then I realize there are so many to call. But then my conscience speaks up telling me you have already called these persons last time and they have not reciprocated you with a call.

So alone I am and perhaps this is true with most of the aspirant of Civil Services.
One day one of my friend was shouting on phone..I could here a female voice next side. I asked, "Whom you were shouting at?". He replied, who else will bear our tantrums..it's my mother only..she is the one who calls me regularly.

Dear you, these difficult times are a test on me. Not only on me but it is checking all my friends, relatives, patience, peace, confidence and everything known to me.

Discussing the same thing with a friend telling him about the test we are going through. He cried telling me that his girlfriend never calls him. Huh??? I told him wait your parents will call you alternatively.

Then she said, "Wish I could have slapped you"

Just outside Shadipur Metro Station, I was returning back to my flat. Suddenly what we see is a man slapped a woman who was having a child. She said, "Wish I could have slapped you". We intervened and seeing us intervening others also mustered up the courage to take a stand. We questioned the man that even if she is your wife how can you slap her..I held the man griping his hand and asked her wife to leave warning the man that if he didn't allow we will call the police. The woman left, the man said pleadingly that, sometimes it is necessary to hit a woman to take control.

The statement kept my mind busy, and I was thinking whether is it necessary to hit sometimes?

1. While discussing we agreed husband and wife are of equal status in the relationship. If one has the right to hit in extreme conditions the other too must also have it. So woman must also have the right to hit and the husband must not get upset. More importantly, in any relationship when you have a need to hit then it means you are not compatible with each other. I say, if she cheats on you, betrays you or any unexceptional explanation of your cause...better leave her. Part away peacefully or get it discussed because once violence comes in there is no rewind to that episode to undo things. A void or stain marks it.

2. I asked Saurav is it? He said Shrikant when I was returning back with you unintentionally I hit a street dog by a small stone. You immediately told my to go and hit those men standing over there and if you can't do not hit this dog. Same with domestic violence men think they are earning, India has patriarchal society, they reproduce, they have the dick so you can hit, more importantly you know that you are physically more able than the woman. You know you will win so you do. Women need to retaliate the first time only. Once they did finely men will never dare again.

 Finally, do we need to have domestic violence. I think violence of any kind, whatsoever be the reason cannot be justified. She wished she could have slapped that man, just her physical constraint stopped her. Fight with equals (equals in physique). 

Never Pay for sex, reasons..

Today while discussing one of the friend cited his story of his trip to G.B.Road(Red Light Area). In between one of the friend said, "One must Never pay for sex". The discussion became intense and reached to few conclusions.

1. In India unlike developed countries prostitution generally starts in the form of forced sex. You cannot make excuse that by offering money in exchange of sex you are contributing to their livelihood. If you want to contribute rehabilitate them. Don't encourage prostitution.

2. How can one justify casual sex? Think...

3. I believe "Lust" is a negative emotion. How can one negative emotion dominate us so much that we divorce our self from our own positives.

4. Importantly, it is likely observed that a person who is ready to pay for sex can be a potential rapist. I don't say all of them..but yes, you must agree for some of them and any percentage of rapist is dangerous.

5. People say legalizing prostitution  will help to prevent rape. It is a very strong argument. But you must agree to this also that forced sex which is an explicit nature of prostitution is taking the fundamental right of a human being i.e. Right to have dignified life.

6. What's wrong in casual sex? If two people agree..then you must have sex. But Navneet cited a very important point ( I was like...agreed). There are many shades of a person's personality. Like for a girl it is her caring nature, simplicity, compassion, anger, freedom, etc.. how can just one element of her shade i.e. physical appearance dominate other shades. If it does our thinking is very narrow. We must try to overcome such a feeling.